Summary
Perfectionism isn’t a problem to be fixed. It’s a power to make peace with, harness, and use. To break the cycle of self-punishment and shame, you need to consistently show yourself compassion, connect with others, and forgive yourself when inevitable missteps occur.
Notes
Perfectionism is often viewed as a negative trait, but if you can learn to adapt to it, perfectionism can become a “constructive superpower”.
Two categories: Adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism.
Adaptives:
- Are inspired by ideal visions, but know they won’t be brought to life down to the last detail
- Enjoy the process instead of obsessing over the outcome
- Can handle failure because they learn from mistakes
- Have high self-esteem, solid relationships, and an overall sense of fulfillment
Maladaptives:
- Are afraid to fail and driven to avoid shame
- Don’t embrace the process of achieving a goal
- Are anxious, depressed, and/or withdrawn, with problems in personal relationships
- Usually trying to “recover” from their perfectionism
5 types of perfectionists, these are just archetypes:
- Classic: Organized, reliable, and efficient.
- Adaptive: Able to extend this to huge projects, organizing them with ease
- Maladaptive: Take the concept of structure too far, leaving no room for creativity or play in personal relationships, resulting in superficial connections
- Parisian: Longs for ideal relationships with everyone around them, but wants it to appear effortless
- Adaptive: Focuses only on reciprocal relationships and creates fulfilling networks of friends and support
- Maladaptive: Feel they constantly need to earn everyone’s approval, and will neglect their own needs to get it
- Procrastinator: Has a million plans, but can’t pull the trigger on any of them due to being unable to fulfill the ideal vision they hold in their minds
- Adaptive: Accepts that change is natural, are open-minded, and can see multiple options in scenarios
- Maladaptive: Stuck in a place of indecision and self-loathing (self-hate)
- Messy: Loves the thrill of starting, but is bored by the grind needed to finish
- Adaptive: Great brainstormer who knows how to handle the grind, not relying solely on motivation
- Maladaptive: Scattered, doesn’t follow through on tasks or promises
- Intense: Crave the ideal outcome, ignore the process and fixate on the goal (more than other people)
- Adaptive: Relentless leader with a passionate drive to succeed, but appreciates the journey and knows that mistakes happen
- Maladaptive: Have impossible standards, drive people away with their demands and critiques
Replace self-punishment with self-compassion.
- All mental health experts agree that perfectionists are masters at punishing themselves. This is the dangerous part of perfectionism.
- Punishment (bad) is focused on blame, while personal accountability (better!) shifts the focus from blame to taking responsibility for the solution
- Forms of self-punishment: Negative self-talk, denying yourself pleasures, self-sabotage, ruminating on past problems
- Practice self-compassion: Remember that everyone makes mistakes and nothing is flawless. Shift your focus from what’s wrong to everything that’s right, and all future possibilities that will make things feel even more right.
- Self-compassion is hard for perfectionists because it’s slow and non-linear
- Focus on the process, not the goal.
- Stop thinking, “I’ll be happy when I finally get this.”
- This lets you celebrate the little victories along the way, giving you the positive energy needed to work on problems
- Learn from your failures - Fail forward.
- See the lessons in your mistakes, and understand that you can grow from these experiences.
- Eventually, these lessons can (and will!) help you reach your goals.
- Remember that everyone suffers.
- Can help you be compassionate with your own pain.
- Your feelings are not facts, no matter how strongly you feel them.
If you can’t give yourself self-compassion, connect with other people!
- Connecting with others doesn’t always bring immediate relief to anxiety, depression, or shame. But the impact is always felt eventually.
- Different types of support
- Tangible support: Friends getting you food, helping make your bed, etc.
- Physical support: Biking, taking a walk with friends, joining a sports club
- Community support: Feeling like you belong to a group
- Replace the terms “better” or “worse” with “different”.
- Instead of judging yourself and your achievements against others, just remind yourself they’re different.
- Everyone is unique, with unique backgrounds, unique interests, etc… you’ll never replicate another person’s life that you view as “perfect”.
- Even small amounts of self-compassion and subtle shifts in mindset can make a big difference!
- Like turning on a small light in a dark room
- Perfectionists need relaxation and restoration (just like everyone else) to restore their energy
- Active relaxation can do most of the work too: Cooking, writing, dancing, socializing with people you’re comfortable with, working on your favorite hobby
- Passive relaxation for full restoration: Taking a nap, reading something simple, watching light videos, taking your time eating a meal
- Think of it like a hunger bar in Minecraft, but it’s actually an energy bar. Your options are limited if your energy bar is low, but you can choose to perform activities that can drain or refill the bar.