Purpose
Friendship is an essential part of life! Think about it; everything in the world revolves around people. Society, jobs, school, money, laws… it’s all made by people, for people. Arguably: People are the only thing that truly matters in life. So let’s figure out all there is to know about finding genuine buddies to stick with throughout life.
Overanalyzing?
Ok, so first off. It might seem weird to look so deep into this kinda stuff - I certainly feel weird writing it, thinking that I might be overanalyzing or “influencing people”. But actually, we’re just approaching this topic in the exact same way as we do any other scientific topic: By doing research, forming a model, and applying it to your daily life.
To be the best version of yourself - and to make your life as fulfilling as possible! - doing “research” like this and choosing how exactly you’re going to approach friendship is a great thing to do! You (likely) think about healthy diet, sleep, that sorta thing… even though friends are human, we can still do some basic thinking about how to talk to people. I’ll try my best not to be as “direct” (read: dehumanizing) as How to Win Friends and Influence People… although that book does have some good advice. Maybe mainly for the business world / entrance stages of a friendship. Anyway, I’ll get into that more later… so let’s go!
Why not go it alone?
TLDR; We’re social animals, so we need friends! Quality matters much more than quantity. And well… loneliness is one of the most unhealthy experiences one could have.
The first thing to answer: Do we even need friends? Why or why not? There are many people who willingly choose to distance themselves, to varying degrees. Think of the “quiet kids” in school (ok that’s a bit harsh, but you get the point)… to get more extreme, imagine a family living in a wood hut far into the woods. We all know that type of thing exists. So is that healthy? And does it matter if you’re introverted or extroverted?
Types of Friends
This whole section is just trying to form a mental model for the rest of the article. Of course, real life is complicated, so don’t think of the categories here as “correct” or separate! Again, this is just a framework we can use to hopefully give more concrete advice/pointers later on.
With that being said… not all friends are created equal. And sometimes, it is helpful to define terms that are commonly used so you can figure out exactly what you’re looking for. So let’s do that. We’ll go from “closest” (people you’d spend the most time with) to “furthest” (people you rarely think about from day to day).
Note that this section is part research, part my opinion. At least, it’s how I think about friendships. Also, I bunch romantic relationships in here, because one way to think about a (healthy) romantic relationship is a “friendship with benefits” - basically, you care about each other and you can do some NSFW stuff as a bonus! (That’s the healthiest type of relationship; will be covered later.)
Best Friends
These are the people you think about every day; they also think about you every day. You’ve been through your share of ups and downs with them, but you’ve both committed to stick together through it all. You can and will talk to them about anything, daily, good or bad, with the simple reason of “we’ll go through life together, no matter what”. And of course, they do the same with you. There are little to no incentives for anyone here - you don’t talk with best friends because you “both have something to gain” or just because you “need to keep up the relationship”. You talk because you genuinely care about each other - after all, that’s what friends are for <3
Ok, so dreamy description aside, let’s get specific. This type of friendship is, by definition, exclusive. Typically, people have 1 best friend… or 0. In 2021, around 60% of people said they have a best friend, down from 75% in 1990.
(Note: There are groups of best friends - “besties” - not the same as a typical friend group, but it’s rare and almost never works out in the long term unless you all met in early childhood. Since it’s not practical to form this group later, I won’t consider it.)
Romantic Friendship
Ok, first of all, your partner fits the definition of a friend. Of course, they’re more than that, but (ideally) you two should care about each other and hang out, so formally, you’re considered friends! You’re not friend-zoned though, don’t worry :)
Close Friends
These are the people who you feel fully comfortable around. You know all their “basic facts”, you know their general personality, and you sometimes get irritated when seeing their “traits to improve on” (which has happened many times before). You think about each other daily and regularly chat 1-on-1 (or in a small, close friend group), but none of you mind if things go silent for a day or two. And of course, all of this is mutual.
(Casual) Friends
You can hang out with them, but that’s about it.
Research
How to Make Friends as an Adult (verywellmind.com)
- Best definition of a true friend = Another self
- The closer we are to someone, the more we see ourselves as one with the other person
- If you’re close friends with someone, you’ll tend to associate their traits/facts with your own
- If a friendship breaks down, you’re more likely to question who you are
- Why care about friends?
- The most happiness creating part of a marriage is the friendship
- Number of friends is a huge predictor of recovery from a heart attack!
- Spending more time with friends is the “happiness equivalent” of $93,000 per year (from an economic study)
- Why is it hard to make friends?
- Friendship doesn’t get the attention that other relationships do
- Friends are fragile and often neglected, quite low on the priority list
- Friendship doesn’t have an institution behind it, you need to be proactive
- You’re married with your spouse, related in blood with your kids
- You need to be proactive, friendships are fragile
- Friends make us happier than any other relationship because it’s voluntary
- Keeps friendships pure
- Taking a social perspective is far better than taking an individualist perspective.
- Think: What do I need to be a part of? How do I spend more time with others? How can I be a part of a group of people who care about me? What do I need to do within that group?
- Avoid: How do I increase my happiness? How do I make friends?
- Transactional relationships do not work!
- Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is transaction-focused
- Guidebook for business contacts and early people-meeting
- Trying to see other people’s perspectives makes things worse if not done carefully
- Will not work for later parts (sincere friendships) though
- Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is transaction-focused
- Trying to impress (flex on) your friends distances you from people.
- It’s the opposite of vulnerability: Being open and showing your problems/weaknesses
- Vulnerability is one of the keys to genuine friendships.
- Demonstration of trust, “I’m comfortable saying things that could hurt me”
- This is what deepens friendships.
- A study made people feel like lifelong friends in 45 minutes by having them ask/answer very deep questions.
- Too much small talk hurts the relationship - No one is being vulnerable
- Not being vulnerable is correlated with worse health outcomes
- If you’re not willing to open up / say nothing scary, then how will people get to know you? How will they open up?
- Demonstration of trust, “I’m comfortable saying things that could hurt me”
- Time is another one of the keys to genuine friendships.
- We’re engaging in more parasocial (one-sided) relationships: Using TV / social media to replace friends
- Social media time often comes out of the “buddy time” budget that you would be spending in face-to-face situations
- Individual friends are great. Friend groups are even better.
- Quality matters more than quantity, but both matter.
- Communities can do much more than individual friends!
- (Personal opinion: Why not do some of both? Actually, I guess that wouldn’t be a very vulnerable thing to do…)
- How do you make friends as an adult?
- It helps to leave the house. Just be there in social situations.
- Study: Majority of people you know were likely introduced by a handful of people - “supernodes” in the network.
- Dale Carnegie’s book is actually really good for getting past the initial “small talk” stage.
- Deepen with time and vulnerability
- Similarity makes things much smoother. (Similarities can take many forms: Think location, interests, situation, culture)
- Dangers of loneliness = All of them.
- Loneliness is correlated with every negative health indicator you can imagine.
- Lonely people don’t spend any less time with other people than non-lonely people.
- You might not feel connected to other people
- But solitude is positive, protects against loneliness
- Loneliness is a subjective experience. It’s how you feel about your relationships.
- If you feel you’re part of something, then you can be away from people and still feel connected.
- If you don’t feel like people are thinking of you, then you can feel lonely when surrounded by others.
- Loneliness: People aren’t dependent on us, we aren’t dependent on others.
- We need to feel needed, and we need to feel depended upon.
- Our modern, individualistic world makes this a lot harder to do without conscious effort.
- In old times, there was no option to stay individualistic, we had to survive in packs. So this wasn’t an issue.
- Once we leave environments like college, instead of being surrounded by people, the default is now “if you want it, you have to get it.”
- Modern society tells us that we shouldn’t need to be needed. But this hurts friendships.
- Be proactive. Get involved in your community.
- Look at the friendships you already have. Try to deepen those.
- Offer help, ask for help.
- Reunite old friendships.
- Choose your friends (kind of). It takes time and commitment to deepen friendships!
- Get involved in your community: Join clubs!
- Form rituals with your friends.
- Something that is built into your life: Involve friends with that.
- If you constantly need to schedule hangouts, it’s gonna break down.
- Vulnerability: If it scares you, say it.
- Your friends want to help you, and you want to help your friends. Cooperation is the essence of true friendships.
TLDR; Commit to something. Be needed. Need others.
Important points:
- Focus on connecting with people, not impressing them.
- Spend quality time with your friends.
- Dare to be vulnerable.
Good advice:
- Friendships make us happy because it’s voluntary.
- Individual friends are great. Friend groups are even better.
- Trying to impress your friends distances you from them.
- Get involved in your community - at work or school.
Reddit articles on what makes good vs. bad friends (search on Google: “reddit how to tell if someone is a good friend”)
- True friends:
- Can tell you’re not fine even when you say you’re fine.
- Truly care about you, and show it through their actions (not words).
- You can both point out things that are bad in the relationship without fearing the stability of the relationship itself.
- Don’t come with strings attached.
- Good friends:
- You can do nothing with them and still have fun.
- You can trust them with anything, and they won’t use it against you.
- They are happy for you when you win in life.
- If you haven’t seen each other for a long time, but eventually meet to catch up, it won’t feel like much time has passed at all.
- They call you just to see how you’re doing (and genuinely want to know).
- They stop insulting you when they see you are getting sad or hurt.
- They don’t freak out when they realize you’re crazy.
- Help you even when it doesn’t benefit them.
- Are always honest with you.
- Stick around with you at your lowest points.
- Regularly express how much they value your friendship.
- Will gladly help you move if you ask.
- Bad friends:
- When they’re nice to you in private, but rude to you in public.
- Act as if they’re “gracing” you with their friendship.
- Won’t compromise with you even when you put in effort to compromise with them.
- Know that you aren’t comfortable with something, but proceed to do it anyway.
- Bring things up that they have done for you, without thinking about what you have done for them.
- Don’t reciprocate the things you do for them.
- Try to “outperform” you or feel insulted when you win in life.
- Everything is about them and what they want.
- Don’t call you even though you call them.
- Make you feel like you always need to minimize your good news.
- Always put the blame on you.
- Avoid you when you’re having a bad time, but come to you when they’re having problems.
- Constantly play the victim.
- Aren’t good friends to other people too (observe how they act towards others).
- Can’t remember what you like/are interested in. Note that humans aren’t perfect by any means! Everyone has their own burdens and weaknesses. Friends will show their true colors when you really need something (at your lowest moments).